Eulogy for my Buddy Brother

By Amresh Gur (Dicky) 

Ricky brother, remembering you on International Friendship day, first Sunday of August, that falls on August 1st, 2021.

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Ameet Awasthi's (Ricky's) friend, close to my heart, like a brother. For those of you who do, I’m his Dicky. To me, he was always Ricky. Though we both used to call each other "Tanker" sometimes, an inside joke.

Trying to think of how to describe someone like him . . . that’s been a true difficulty for me for several weeks since he left all of us. How can I gather the words together to describe a buddy who, as one of our old friends has said, was “a wonderful human being, the kind of which are now extinct in our world today! 

But, looking around me now, I see all of you. You’re a mirror to me of some of the greatest moments in his life, and the things I’ve loved most about Ricky. I see all of your faces mixed in with his face in this mirror, sharing his love for life and love for all of us.

I can’t help but to realize that the true testament to Ricky was the one-of-a-kind impact that he had on most everyone he knew. I can’t describe him without including all of you, because what made my buddy who he was, dwelled his natural ability to easily invite everyone and anyone into his world and to make theirs better in the process, when he could. When Ricky came into anyone's life, it was with a splash and spark that made you smile and realize what spontaneity means in an ordinary day making it special.

While I am missing him so much, I am also remembering some of the fun times we had together, fun things we did together like we decided to grow a beard and moustaches and wear a turban and dark aviator sunglasses, then go meet our friends who could not recognize us. We would speak a mixture of Haryanvi and Punjabi languages making everyone laugh. Simply enjoyed those funny interactions with people. Non-stop 24/7 Travels into lower Himalayas exploring and enjoying nature.

But, describing Ricky by what he did, what he liked, or what he said, in this instance, or that, was always with kindness, caring and love for everyone. Always a helping hand for others.

Ricky was all of you . . . his interactions with you. Your smiles, your questions, humour (humor), and tears allowed him to be at his best and to give of himself in the way he needed to.

His preferred mode of giving was with no fanfare. I wasn’t surprised when my college friends just happened to end up with his gifts hanging on their walls, even when they’d only met Ricky once, because he connected with the people he was meant to instantly, didn’t hold back, and when the inspiration hit him to send surprises someone’s way, he never thought twice.

Sometimes, it was a much deeper impact he had, as Ricky stood with people who were facing some of the most difficult times in their lives, cheering on the things that made them laugh, identifying with what it was that they were going through, ready with a funny phrase or recommending a new plan for recovery. At the same time, focusing on solving their problem in the shortest and quickest possible way. I now realize that he could relate to those who were suffering in silence...it was his own story of life! And he was angelic enough not to wish or want upon others the pain that he carried in his heart always. What a noble soul he was!

In some cases, he helped to create, define, encourage, and grow a whole person over decades. I can’t imagine what life would be like, had I not had him by my side. You have all known Ricky in so many different ways. He was unique, loving, artistic, funny, and, above all, true to himself and others—the kind of person who would send you a funny text after a surgery saying, “I hope you’re swell and not swelling,” even when he wasn’t quite feeling super himself.

He was someone who was capable of turning the worst day into something manageable, just by his ability to swoop in to take you on a hike, for a motorbike ride, or a car drive to Uphill and show you a place he’d just found out about—places you didn’t realize existed. He could divert your attention with the enthusiasm of a child but all knowingly to help you to feel happy again.

In whatever way you may think of Ricky yourselves, there’s no denying you’ve not met anyone quite like him or that he’s part of you. One thing I’m sure of, in my own experience, having him as my “buddy brother,” is there’s a reflection of Ricky in each and every one of us because we knew and loved him so much. Some part of him will always come through every time you listen to the musical band he loved, jokes he told you, wear the t-shirt he gifted you, or remember the day he stood up for you and when you asked how you can repay him, he would say, Just promise me that you will pay it forward and do the same for someone else.

We mourn the fact that we won’t see him making his trademark goofy faces or hear his unique phrases, or phone calls or messages pretending to be a girl and messing with us, even calling us for dates and showing up there just by chance as he used to say. But one thing is forever, that this whole mirror concept really works, we’ll always carry his reflection and be able to see it clearly. We all shared in his life, we all shared in his loss, but I don’t think any of us would want it any other way.

Rest in Peace my friend, my buddy, my brother...we miss you every day! Love you forever... - Your loving brother Dicky

BRIEF NOTES ABOUT AMEET'S (RICKY'S) LETTERS ARE BELOW:

(Glossary of definitions for terms and phrases in the letter that may be unfamiliar or unclear to some readers.)

• This is Ameet's (Ricky's) handwriting. Everything he has written in these letters is 100% Truth.

• Person he is calling "Baap" is Mr. Harnam Singh Awasthi (commonly known as Mr. H.S. Awasthi), Advocate.

• [What we learnt from Doctors and Specialists upon growing up] The Mental Torture Key Elements that Ameet (Ricky) mentions in his letters (Confidence crushing, deep sadness, feeling loveless, abandonment, feeling of insecurity, mental tension, stress, feeling broken inside, feeling lost, listless and confused) are all a combined result of the threatening and manipulating style of parenting of our father during our "Early Childhood". His Habitual "Sadistic Abuse" which involved creating Fear Psychosis at an impressionable age of children and causing extreme adverse experiences that included sadistic physical abuse; acts of torture, overcontrol, cause fear and terrorization; and malevolent emotional abuse of a child were all signs of a Narcissistic Sociopath, just we did not know all that then and certainly did not know how to escape it. My brother and I endured it together as kids and so did our mother. We both did not recall even one incident when our father talked with us lovingly. Hugging or kissing a child was not a macho thing for him. All communications were always an order and with anger, loud shouting and a threat of a beating or when we grew older, a threat to throw us out of the house. Then, as punishment, he would stop giving us Rs. 2.00 (each) per day pocket money that he used to give us. Then, we both could not buy snack in canteen and would go hungry all day. When our mom would find out, she would "secretly" give us packed food for our punishment days. When at home, she always took care of us. 

• Example of how we both handled such problems together: I went to the school Principal and told her the truth and requested if I could get a special (unheard-of) permission to go home for lunch and take my brother with me. She heard the whole story and said Okay but I must come back in 30 minutes. We made a deal with Mom to secretly come home to eat. We calculated the bike time, we had 10+10 mins journey time, 8 mins to eat and 2 mins buffer for traffic lights. 

• In 1992, Ameet (Ricky) was living at House No. 1586, Sector 18-D, Chandigarh, with our father while I was in Air Force, posted at a Field station up north in the Himalayan Region. He had visited me there and we always had a great time when we were together, but he was studying and working in Chandigarh, so he had to come back to our family house. That's where the environment was such that he used to feel the way he did.

• In 1992, our mother was not living in at House No. 1586, Sector 18-D, Chandigarh. She was either living with her brother in Bareilly or was in Dehradun. Point is that Ameet (Ricky) was at that time, living with our father and our father's sister's daughter, Pooja Bhardwaj (Birth name Savita Mishra), Advocate, whom our father brought from the village and she used to live with us in our house.

• Assam Tea Garden Job Reference: I recall this conversation. Ameet (Ricky) called me and said he is looking for a job and wants to leave Chandigarh. One of my very close friends, like a brother, Chandan Banerji, was a senior executive in Assam at Tea Gardens. He treated Ameet's (Ricky's) like a little brother and later when he grew older, as a friend too. All 3 of us had lived together for a few years and had formed an unbreakable bond, and still do. I  contacted him and told him about it. Ricky wrote to him and got started with that plan. Somehow, due to volatile situations at home, made Ameet (Ricky) reprioritize that plan and he postponed it indefinitely.

• "POOR CHILDREN OF A RICH FATHER" - Ameet (Ricky) mentions in his 2nd letter in the end, that he does not have any money. That was right. Even though, our father sold our ancestral property and bought property in his own name only in Chandigarh from that money, he would not part with any money to spend on his original family. For money, his fist for us was always tightly clenched without letting go with an exception of some people he chose to spend on and for. Ever since I got my 1st real job at 10 years of age, up until when Ricky told me when he 20 years old, that he was making okay money, I shared my pay 30% of my salary with my brother. As kids, we also had desires to eat out sometimes, if we could buy 1 sweet bun, or one softy ice-cream at Kwality or a Banana Boat at Yankee Doodle, we would share it half-n-half. There was a bakery in Sector 16, Chandigarh, that used to give us goodies at a big discount. We both spend a lot of time there eating yummy things outside that bakery in the market with very tasty Almond Milk. 

Note from Asheet (Kikki): I have inserted some words and phrases, which are not in the letter, only to help the reader understand the meaning or the context. If you have any question about anything, please email me at asheetawasthi@gmail.com - thank you!

Chandigarh 

(Arrow pointing to Chandigarh means I am writing from this city)

19th Dec, 92

(My) Loving brother Dicky,

Brother, today I received your letter. My brother, so much of love and security (that you have given me), I have not got even from my blood relations (means blood relatives). Brother, for me every single day in my house is getting very hard to live. If any one has a brother like you in this world, then he does not even need money. Brother, I have just returned from Ghazal (name of an Indian restaurant in Chandigarh city in India) and I am going to tell you the truth. Brother, you are a diamond. Brother, I have tolerated a lot, but now it has become very difficult to live here (means to live with our father, H.S. Awasthi, at House No. 1586, Sector 18-D, Chandigarh). I have become sort of a mad person. Buddy, I am becoming like a helpless caged animal (in captivity) day-by-day. Buddy, I want to talk to you about ____ (Girl’s name left blank, withheld to respect her privacy). (I know you will) Make a joke about it. I don’t have any plans for marriage. But I really like her very much. What can I do? Whoever loves me, that person becomes a very lovable person for me. Even if it is a pretense (by other person). Buddy, I cannot write a long letter to you (now) because I am in deep tension (Worry, Stress). You are my life (like a soulmate). If you are with me, then I can Mother-F%#k the world (Filled-in the blanks for what he meant to say there). You know it brother that I am not such a donkey (meaning stupid) as the circumstances have forced me to become. I have confidence that has been crushed (by my father). My confidence has been pushed (and buried) so deep down that it is fearful of come out (now). Buddy, I love you very much because you have given me so much love that in 25 years my own family members have not given me. In my 25 years (of life), I never got any happiness. Buddy, what should I do? I have broken. I am totally broken. I have nobody in my family who cares for me. I feel so unwanted. I am useless, jobless, mad, waste, and whatnot. (These are some of the common phrases that our father used to tell us almost every few days when he would get angry on any unrelated thing - personal accusations to knock-down a child's self-esteem and cause verbal insults to demean and person to the point that a person breaks down, and then we would walk away without any remorse or regret). What can I do my brother? I am not able to figure out what should I do? Just I just want to go very far from this house, my brother. 

Don’t ever leave me,

Your follower, 

Ricky   

Note from Asheet (Kikki): I have inserted some words and phrases, which are not in the letter, only to help the reader understand the meaning or the context. If you have any question about anything, please email me at asheetawasthi@gmail.com - thank you!

MOST IMPORTANT Monday Morning (Dec 21st, 92)

(Letter #1 was written on prior Saturday)

(My) brother Dicky,

Today (early) morning everything ended with my father. (My) Going to court has (been) stopped. (My) Job search has started. It has become totally impossible to live with him (means with our father, H.S. Awasthi).

I will be looking for a job in Assam (Tea Gardens). Are you interested? You can also apply along with me. But this correspondence, call, interview, etc. can take even 6 months and it can be possible that I come to Kurukshetra and start staying in a hostel. Brother, find (me) some solution. If possible, then someday, together with Tribhu, come over for 1-2 days, so then we can decide the Plan of Action. Buddy, you also see (means explore) some Job Prospectives (like Prospects). And if we both get a job somewhere together, then our life will be made. (PTO means Please Turn Over the page). 

Right now, I am writing a letter to my friend in Assam and he will send all information. Buddy/Brother, I am deeply (extremely) sad (meaning grief-stricken, overcome with deep sorrow). Dicky, I am telling you the truth - Brother, my eyes are filled with tears while writing this letter to you. Buddy, I am deeply (extremely) sad (meaning grief-stricken, overcome with deep sorrow - repeated twice in this letter). Brother, what should I do? I will go mad. Try to come to Chandigarh. Brother, we both cannot even do some business together. Because Money also I don’t have. But, at least, we can try to find a job together. 

Reply VERY SOON.

(He capitalized VERY SOON because he wanted Dicky to treat this letter like an emergency and respond immediately)

Love,

   Ricky brother

(Sometimes he used to spell his name as Riky)

First of all, I want to thank everyone in "Our Awasthi Khandan" for expressing their love for my brother, Late Ameet Awasthi (Ricky). We did not know you cared so much. Thank you! Ricky's soul will be smiling in Heaven. I now found out and know how much, "Our Awasthi Khandan" truly cared for Ameet (Ricky). Everyone will be genuinely sad when reading Ameet's (Ricky's) letters. You all thought our life was very rosy in Chandigarh, No, it was not. We suffered all this in total isolation and complete silence for decades. Ever since that "Unfortunate Day" when Pooja Bhardwaj (Birth name Savita Mishra) set foot in our house, the house started to become a dark place day-by-day and ended up like a like a dead, barren graveyard in the end. The family that we once had was totally destroyed. Our father, started a new family with her, of which no one from his old original family was a part. Now, that new family thrives on the blood and skeletons of my loved ones. 

I also want to apologize that I could not do more for my brother and the time ran out. Why did I not bring the truth out earlier? Why did I not share our true story before? Maybe, it could have saved his life, reduced the misery he was living through and suffering from everyday. Believe me, I told him that many times, but he did not agree to it. He said exactly this, "No, let's not. In the end, he is our father, the world will spit at him and we will then feel bad. It is our bad luck to have a father like that, so this is our life, Everyone has problems, and this is ours." I loved and respected my brother so much that I would not go against his wishes even if it meant to suffer together with him. It was an Unspoken "Brothers-Pact" which becomes unbreakable when you suffer and survive together, using each other's strength and support. I just could never overrule his opinions, feelings and desires. Several times, I tried to pull him out of this house. I got my 1st posting in Air Force to Chandigarh only for that reason, to get him out. He agreed to live with me occasionally. I tried to get him a job outside Chandigarh, finally even tried to make him move to USA. But, he did not want to leave Chandigarh, his friends and was attached to the house where he grew up. It was his comfort zone. I tried to talk to our father many times, but with our father, there are no such thing as compassion, love or caring or any feelings in general. Everything was and is a transaction, give and take and always only about money. He typically is an aggressively self-preserving person, always defensive, who blames others for everything that goes wrong according to him. He himself is never at fault. (So he believes!) 

We used to come and visit our village Birhar, and family members in Uttar Pradesh (U.P.) every summer. However, since Pooja Bhardwaj (Birth name Savita Mishra) came to live with us in Chandigarh, our father stopped taking the family to the village and instead use to go on those trips only together only with Pooja Bhardwaj (Birth name Savita Mishra). Just two of them. He told us that our relatives in the village hate us, they are jealous of his (H.S. Awasthi's) progress and richness, therefore they all have become our enemies. Fear Psychosis tricks that worked like a charm miracle for his agenda. He scared us when we were still kids that our UP relatives will poison us and kill us if we went there. We were completely disconnected with all relatives systematically by our father. He did not entertain any relatives who would visit us and would drive them away by his bad and insulting behavior with them. His intention was to completely isolate us from them, in which he was successful. Later when we grew up, our focus shifted on finding jobs for self-reliance so we could stop being dependent on our father for anything. We were doing odd jobs as kids to make our ends meet. For example, Newspaper boy, Library helper, Retail shop helper, Radio English Teacher for Kids of Villages, Door-to-door Salesman, Cleaner at Auto shop, Driver, some other odd manual labour jobs and finally Air Force. 

I am so sorry that we disconnected with all of you in "Our Awasthi Khandan". I hope once you know this truth, you may find a voice within your heart, that will forgive us. Our Own Survival became our main focus. What you all believed for decades that Kusum Awasthi, Asheet Awasthi and Ameet Awasthi were one happy family in Chandigarh - No, it was not true. It was a life in hell living with Harnam Singh Awasthi, Advocate. He was not a good son to his own father, not a good brother to his own brothers and sisters, not a good husband to his wife, not a good father to his both sons, and was "Only-an-Advocate by the day" and "An Abuser and Torturer by night". Whoever lived with him suffered it. Our mother has become a nervous wreck because of him. Just imagine, for all your life, if there is a person who shouts at you and hurls abuses and curses at you every single day and regularly assaults physically, it will be a nightmare of a lifetime. 

My regret is my mistake that I took my brother's life for granted. That mistake cannot be corrected now, it's too late! 

My dear brothers and sisters, I know many of you will be very sad, angry and upset after reading Ameet's (Ricky's letters). I would urge you to think of them more as "getting to know a buddy, friend or brother that you loved" and not let other emotions overtake the feeling of love.

In his letters, Ameet (Ricky) said that when someone loves him, he just starts loving that person dearly. I totally get it. I understand his every word, and his every word spoken in his moments of silence too. When you are starved for love all your life, you feel so enamored by it when you find even little love. It is also extremely intense then. That is true for how he felt for all of his buddies and friends. He truly loved you. That is why he has the guys to say things to you with a "Right that he felt he had" in his relationship with you. In today's world, people do "Sweet Talks" and shy away from "Saying the bitter truth" coz no one wants to be bad. He was the opposite of that. If you loved him a little, he would give a lot back. What he lacked from the family, he got from you all. And I will forever be grateful to you all to have given him his years of happiness. Years of "Feeling like he was Loved". That was his biggest asset. Thank you all! 

I have said before and will say it again. You all are “Our Real Family”. We never had much of a family growing up, but now I can say we do. My heart was filled with so much gratitude that I owe you all for your unconditional love for my Ameet (Ricky). The words, photos, videos that you shared had your genuine feelings, which I felt very deeply. Believe me, all that provided solace and comfort, which helped begin the healing and closure. Why and how? Those little memories that you shared were like peeking thru little windows into my brother’s life, his compassion, empathy, caring, and love for others, his actions, and even his beliefs. He spent his adult life amongst or together with you all, and I am so happy to hear and see it. Just as you may have felt while reading his letters from his past here. 

We all know Ameet (Ricky) was "Robin Hood" & "Terminator" in One Body & One Mind. He used to tell me, "I am with and for that person who has nobody!" and he would stand up for, stand beside those persons who needed help, and who would meet him as a stranger but part as friends. He made everyone laugh, always making jokes, helped everyone selflessly and whole-heartedly but deep inside he was hurting so much since he was in his early years of his life. 

If there is one thing you could take away from this post, it would be to try and understand how ONE person's behavior has lifelong effects for a child, who grows up into an adult inheriting the pain for no fault of his. Please be kind to people in general. You do not know what the other person maybe going though. And when a little child's happiness depends on you, because his world is very small, please do not crush that little world for him for your own wants and needs coz you are all that he's got. Only Mom & Dad. Brothers and Sisters come later. That's all there is to say for now...  

Special Thanks to Amresh Gur (Dicky) for feeling so strongly for his buddy-brother from another mother, that he shared Ameet's (Ricky's) letters, which he said are precious to him, now even more than ever. This is his closest memory that he can touch, feel and find feelings whenever he reads them again.